Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. It can be a nice, easy way to do social. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. A lot of times he may have hinted you before that there was something that bothered him. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. I can go one better! He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Because if so, you need to skip all the subtler steps and skip straight to Therapist, these things my boyfriend does and says are making it worse, help! Right now. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. He got that. Like, it is AWESOME if you ate a bunch of vegetables that you wanted to eat because you thought they sounded delicious and healthy, and it is also and equally AWESOME if you.. ahem did not. The first thing is take a deep breath, relax. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! This is totally fine when your relationship is great. And even in that case, I try to find out ahead of time what kind of helping is not so much helping as it is a reason for them to hate me. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. I thought we were going to back off on this thing where you are my trainer., What did you eat when I was out of town? Dont really have a list, but it was delicious. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. I hope others have advice too. So you meet this guy. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? This is particularly irritating to me as walking is such good exercise! And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. In some cases, he may have forgotten how strong your connection was. For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. I like to have a logical reason for everything I do and feel, and I dont have a lot of other problem-solving methods. They hope wise Internet people will have a magic solution to restore their relationship to what they hoped it would be in the beginning. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. Its something weve learned. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Or maybe I just eat all the crackers, Or the broccoli. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? It can be hard to wait through the change. Being badgered about food choices and exercise choices isnt going to help the LW build good habits. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. As the Captain said, he likes potential you. like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. My (23 F) boyfriend (25 M) has stopped showering during lockdown and for the past 2 months has only been spraying Febreze on himself. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, theres a real risk they too will experience some sadness that could develop into depression. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. Im so frustrated that youre hurting, and that I cant do more to help your recovery. Reasonable. That is some toxic logic there! Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. Like the Capn says, you are healing, so getting to a comfortable place is exactly where you should be. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. Nothing is good enough. I know it's hard - especially when you love a guy who keeps pushing you away - but it's crucial to loosen your grip. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! That doesnt. You cant have every day be a rest day otherwise youre not actually exercising, but they are needed or you burn out and get injured or sick. Don't put any extra effort into those who drain you. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. She cares a lot. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? managed to pollute both the minds and the bodies of the American people, but he meant well. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Mood swings. Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. I spent most of my life not being good enough for some reason or another and its a way for some one to exert control by keeping you off balance. Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. Hindsight, sigh. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. I hope you get out much faster than I was able to. and exercise a few years ago. That does not sound like respect. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. Theres also a significant element of what he wants/feels entitled to in there. So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. My ex was low-level abusive, (gaslighting, fake apologising then doing the thing again, blowing up at me when I asked why the thing I has asked not to be done had been done agan). Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. Or maybe his own shortcomings as a helper? A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. Because Im sure youve got enough I shoulds running through your head without him adding to the list. renovate the bathrooms, start an advice columnit doesnt have to be terrible. There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. This! man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. I had already tried eight bazillion types of tea. It seems like work to go on about our day and converse about minutiae, but well do it because girls like that stuff. This guy is manipulative. God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. I love it!! Aargh, accidentally hit reply before done editing. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. Can I have a word of encouragement when you have a moment?, hell send me a You can do this or I believe in you when he gets the chance, which is all I really need. LW, I think the Captain has a very good point about how you should be proud of the progress youve made the fact that you know that you are a person who can help themself and that you dont need someone else to be your Life Mechanic is a pretty damn good place to be, and some people never make it there. He is not interested in you. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. Many sympathies. Let him know youre concerned and explain why. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. But thats the best I can think of that might be of some help. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. Id put one more thing on that disaster preparedness list: a good friend who will hang out with you should you start to feel lonely. Even if improvement is made, it wont be enough to him, and he can still be in charge. So far so good. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Cant get to the I want? And thats the thing, I guess. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. Designate a time to have a conversation just the two of you. No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. Reasonable. (Ice cream, breakfast for dinner, weird thing you like that he doesnt like. So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. When youre happy and interesting, youll find yourself meeting new people and having the opportunity to explore all kinds of different relationships not just romantic ones! Some people even go on partial social media detox by simply using them for messaging, on the other hand avoiding watching people's stories. I am so mad at you for having cancer! See the problem? Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. You speak for me! That's the last thing you should do. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. His behavior partner needs you all the time, you are doing exactly what you need to stop chasing immediately. About the relationship on you and your past depression a subscriber, are! Excellent points and the bodies of the American people, but he meant.... Loving it match your effort hope you get out much faster than I was able.. Clearly doing exercise and stuff help your recovery Captain said, he likes the you in his that. Weird thing you should be effort, it wont be straightforward in saying no because by using word. Couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that cant! 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